Giant baby terrorizes city

EDMONTON - An attack Friday by a gigantic baby has left the city's south side in ruins and scientists baffled.

The baby caused extensive damage to roads, structures and vehicles along a path of destruction through the south side to the river valley. Onlookers reported seeing the baby smashing cars together repeatedly.

The baby was first sighted southwest of the city shortly before the attack, by a farmer who called 911 to report a 400-foot-tall infant toddling through his field.

Local authorities discounted the man's story, until more reports began to emerge from the Rutherford and MacEwan neighbourhoods. Said one MacEwan resident whose home was obliterated in the attack, "This is just the living end. First I lose my place in the fire a year ago. Now it's a giant baby. A GIANT FUCKING BABY."

The baby's rampage continued northward along 111 Street. This was fortunate, according to city planner David Nelson, because the street was already largely demolished by ongoing construction projects. "We got lucky on that one," he said. "If that baby had gone up Gateway, we'd be totally screwed."

The baby eventually reached the river valley, where it crossed the North Saskatchewan river and crawled up the north bank before finally falling asleep near the steps of the legislature building.

Scientists are mystified by the baby's origins. Dr. Tyler Brayden, a biologist at the University of Alberta, said, "Hey, I may be a biologist, but this is a 400-foot baby we're talking about here. Christ, what am I, the Professor from Gilligan's Island? Your guess is as good as mine."

However, Brayden did speculate about why the baby's destination seemed to be the legislature: "That's where all the big babies go."