THIS IS THE END, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND

Just got back this morning from a week-long trip to Vancouver. It was supposed to be part vacation, part big talk about Our Future Together. Instead, what I got was a big talk about Our Futures Apart.

You'd think that I'd be more upset about the breakup of a relationship that has lasted 14 years--especially considering that for the first time in my life, it wasn't my choice. Truth is, I am upset. Very upset. Right now, my mind feels like a vast arid plain, featureless and colorless; and if I let myself dwell on what this all means, something dark and ugly starts creeping around at the edges of that parched, dry field--something that looks a little like insanity.

But at the same time, I know I'm not going to go crazy. Maybe that's because somehow, I understand that a change this big, this life-altering, is too big to comprehend all at once. It's got to be broken down into little pieces, each of which can be tackled separately (and therefore safely). How will our families and friends react? Who gets the car we bought together? Of course, the real question--what the fuck do I do now?--is best left unasked for the time being. That's the kind of question that gets the dark ugly thing pacing again.

So like I said, I'm upset. But not in the way I thought I'd be upset if this ever happened (and who hasn't indulged in the morbid diversion of imagining a few getting-dumped scenarios?) For instance, I haven't the slightest bit of anger toward her. At some point during our big, tear-filled talk I said, "You sweet, beautiful, innocent woman, I only want you to be happy." I meant it. I meant it because I love her, and if her happiness depends on parting from me, so be it.

I know that sounds pretty damn strange, but it seems to me that too many so-called love relationships are in fact control relationships. Why do people always think they have to control everything in their lives? For that matter, why do they think they have any control over anything?

And then there's the whole "devil you know" issue. While it's absolutely true that I would prefer not to have lost this woman I still love, I think that to have stayed together out of complacency and fear of the unknown--to have "settled"--would have been a far worse fate. And for my part, to have played on her complacency and fear to manipulate her into reconsidering would have been an unconscionable act of cowardice.

So goodbye, sweet Tara. It's funny, isn't it, how two people can go from being more than lovers to less than strangers? I don't know yet whether we'll be able to salvage a friendship out of the ruin of our life together. I will try, if you are willing. Life goes on, as they say; I can only wish that your new life without me goes on happily, and hope that my own life will go on in due course.